When You're Not Here
by birthdaycake-storytime-fall
Summary: Uploaded on AO3 but I decided to put it on here too. Starts from when Serena and Bernie are on the roof and Serena realises she has to leave Holby and takes place over 12 months. Chapter's alternate POVs between Bernie and Serena. Canon divergent.
1. Chapter 1

"Any room for me in your future plans?" Bernie asked, tentatively, scared of hearing the answer.

"I hope so." I wanted the answer to be yes. I wanted that so badly. But breaking a promise to Bernie would be worse than never making it. That pain, right in that moment, even though it burned in our chests would be a mere bruise in comparison.

"Hope?" I'd never heard Bernie sound less hopeful, and I knew I was hurting her, but I knew that I'd hurt her more by staying; leaving was for the best, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I turned to her and repeated "I hope so." This time with more determination, much more reassurance. One day I would be happy again, and then I'd go back to Holby…back to Bernie. Our lips gravitated towards each other as a promise that we'd see each other again.

"Okay." Bernie whispered. "I can live with that." She paused again. "Do you really have to go?" Bernie sounded like she was about to cry, and I knew that each tear would make leaving her more painful.

"Oh, don't ask me again, please. Let's not make each other cry." I looked up to the stars, willing my own tears not to fall.

"No, alright, alright, different question. Do you plan to come back?" To be honest I didn't know the answer.

I sighed and smiled until I replied, "I hope so." Bernie, having already guessed my answer, mouthed in unison.

Icarus, as I insisted on calling him, flapped his wings and finally, flew away. Some sort of rubbish symbolic metaphor for myself, I suppose. Although I was drunk, so maybe that's nonsense.

X

It was just under 15 minutes later when we finally moved, after staring into each other's eyes, trying to commit each millimetre of the other's face to our memory.

"Can you please stop staring into my soul like that; you're making me feel exposed." I had commented, Bernie's deep brown eyes making me feel like she could read everything inside me. "Anyway, it's getting chilly."

"Come on then Campbell, I'm sure that our backs will forgive us if we move sooner rather than later." Bernie stood, yawning.

"But don't you need to finish your shift?"

"I'll call Hanssen when we're home." And then I could see the cogs turning in her mind, silently wondering if she'd be invited back to mine for one last time.

"You can stay with me." I confirmed, not wanting to push her away mere hours before I left. "I mean…if it tomorrow…if I'm leaving…well, I'm a bit tipsy, but you know what I mean." I ignored the raised eyebrow and chuckle in response to claiming I was tipsy, folding the blanket we had been laying under.

X

Once we arrived back at my house we were met by Jason asking why we were home early, since our shifts didn't finish for another 47 minutes, but we brushed him off by promising to explain in the morning, but saying that we both needed to sleep right now.

"I really do love you Bernie. I'm so so sorry for leaving you." I cried into Bernie's shoulder once we were under the bed covers and the bedside lamp has been switched off.

"Please come back." Was Bernie's only response.


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning I woke up next to Serena for the last time. She was leaving the following morning at around 3am and would be getting a taxi to the airport so that I could sleep before my shift. I knew it would be an emotional day full of goodbyes and heartache – there were plans in place to have farewell drinks at Albie's that evening, since Serena's friends knew that she was still herself deep down and they still cared for her.

As the sun rose higher Serena slowly began to wake up.

"Morning." I mumbled into the back of her neck, sending a small shiver down her spine.

"Morning baby." She replied blissfully, until she remembered the previous evening. Some mornings she forgot about the pain and grief she was suffering for a few seconds and she'd be truly happy, just like that morning, but then she'd remember everything and she often cried.

"It's okay." I whispered as I pulled her into a hug. "You're okay, and I love you." I reassured her as best as I could until she was ready to dry her eyes and make breakfast.

X

"You know what, let's go out and eat breakfast." I insisted, not knowing when I would next see Serena after that morning I wanted to treasure the time I had with her.

"Okay." She nodded in response, realising that we'd both have to get dressed if we were going to go outside.

Jason was already at work by this point as he didn't want his routine changing unnecessarily, and he was going to be at Albie's that evening to say goodbye anyway. Serena and I traced our steps back up the stairs to get dressed so that we could walk down to a local café along the high-street.

X

By the time we'd ordered our food and coffee it was about half past 10 and I felt that the day had already gone too quickly, as I knew that about 12 hours later I would say goodbye to Serena, my partner, indefinitely.

We had ordered a cup of strong, hot coffee and a pain au chocolate each to get us through the morning – which would mostly be Serena sorting through her things and packing as much as she could for her time away.

Over breakfast we talked a little, but we mostly just listened to the background noise of other people chatting and the radio in the café playing some modern but calm music.

I asked Serena where she was going, curious as to where in the world she would choose to go first given the opportunity she currently had to go literally anywhere. She told me that her first destination was Italy, as she'd always wanted to go but had never actually been before.

"But I want to go everywhere." She said after a few minutes of silence between us. "France, Australia, back to America for a bit." She certainly sounded excited, but the reasons behind this extravagant trip were still painful.

"Well, I hope you find…whatever it is you're looking for." I responded, not knowing what else to say in our given situation.

"Me too." Serena replied, finishing the last few sips of her coffee. "And I hope I can come back to you."

X

We left the café and decided to go back to Serena's house to let her pack and tidy.

"Do you want to…I don't know…" Serena stuttered and trailed off.

"Please ask. I want you to be able to ask anything, Serena. And the worst I can say is no." I responded not wanting anything to be unspoken between us before she left.

"Do you want to move in? To my house, I mean, whilst I'm away." Serena looked unsure and was avoiding eye contact with me. I didn't know how to respond for a few minutes.

"Look, Serena, I'm sorry but I can't. Without you there it's…it wouldn't be right." I apologised, feeling guilty for saying no but knowing that I couldn't go through with it.

"No, it's fine." Serena replied, smiling half-heartedly before going into a quiet thinking state as we walked back. "Maybe I should sell it."

I looked at her questioningly, but softly, staying quiet to let her speak.

"I mean, when… _if_ I come back I won't want to live in the house I raised her in, will I?" Serena mused. "I'll want a new start."

"That sounds like a good plan, actually." I replied.

X

"Look you either need to help me pack or leave, you're getting in the way!" Serena shouted.

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted!" I yelled back, walking out of the bedroom and downstairs. I picked up my bag and put my trainers on before leaving and slamming the door behind me.

Immediately I wanted to go back in, but I knew that we'd only end up arguing more if I stayed with her. I got into my car but didn't start the engine. I was on the verge of having a panic attack and knew it would be unsafe to drive, but I couldn't be in the house with Serena as she was packing her life away, preparing to leave me.

I leant forward to rest my head on the steering wheel in front of me as my chest tightened and my breathing became more erratic.

X

After my panic attack I drove home with hot tears running down my cheeks, knowing that I couldn't go back to Serena…not just yet.

I got home and finally managed to calm myself down, knowing it would have happened much quicker if Serena had been with me. But that was the problem; she wasn't going to be here anymore.

I went inside and decided to take a nap, hoping to clear my head a little after getting some sleep, since I had the rest of the day off work and it wasn't even lunch time.

X

I woke up 2 hours later to find a text from Serena sent a little more than half an hour previously.

 **I'm sorry about earlier. You can come back whenever you want to, but I understand if you need space. See you this evening at Albie's? Serena X**

I decided to eat lunch before replying, my mind still clouded with sleep and my stomach rumbling.

My cupboards were pretty empty, reminding me that I needed to go shopping as soon as I could, but I managed to find a salad that was only 2 days out of date and some microwave rice.

I ate in silence, not bothering to turn on the TV. I ate slowly, feeling sick with every mouthful until I had decided to give up trying, knowing I wouldn't be able to eat anymore.

It was time to message Serena. I typed out the message 7 different times before it sounded right.

 **I'm sorry too. It was painful to see you packing because I don't want to lose you. Think I'll let you get your stuff together in peace. See you tonight. Bernie X**

It wasn't perfect, but I'm no good with words so it was the best I could do.

It was another 5 hours until the farewell drinks at 7pm so I had to find a way to kill the time before then. Looking around I noticed the house needed tidying, which is pretty typical of me.

X

It had been more than an hour when I received another text from Serena.

 **Being here feels like gravity is pushing down on my shoulders, like I can't move. You know that. I love you. See you in a few hours. Serena X**

I finished cleaning everything I could in a futile attempt to keep thoughts of Serena out of my mind, but it was like an addiction – I thought of Serena all the time and I couldn't just stop now because I wanted to. I would never stop thinking of Serena.

Once I was finished and the house looked almost too tidy for someone to even live there I collapsed onto the sofa and turned on the TV, hoping to numb my mind with some form of day-time telly.

It was only 10 minutes later when I decided I'd had enough and began to get restless in my seat. Switching the TV off I went upstairs and put on my running clothes, hoping to clear my mind with some exercise and fresh air.

Leaving the house with my iPod and keys I set a goal to run at least 10 miles, which I predicted would take me around an hour and a half.

X

It was more than 2 hours later when I arrived home and I was glad that I'd been able to have the time to have a long run, since the opportunity was rare with my job. By this time it was 5 o'clock and I had 2 hours until Serena's farewell drinks, which I didn't even particularly want to go to.

I decided to shower and then try to find something to wear, knowing that I still had too much time and that I'd be likely to just sit around my house feeling upset at the loss of Elinor and Serena and anxious at the thought of the foreseeable future being devoid of Serena pretty much completely.

X

Just as I was about to leave to go to Albie's the tightness in my chest returned and my breathing sped up. I leant my back against the back of the front door to support myself, knowing that standing up straight was the best and easiest way to bring myself out of a panic attack.

After a few minutes I began to feel normal again, and my breathing had slowed considerably, but I knew that I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to Serena and I threw my bag to the ground in anger. Kicking off my shoes and throwing my coat on the floor in a similar fashion I went back upstairs and curled up under the covers in bed, not wanting to face the world or any of my colleagues.

The warm, soft embrace of the duvet was comforting and calming, and although I knew I was doing the wrong thing by avoiding the 'party'. I also knew that out of the two places I would be much happier ignoring everything and staying in bed.

I didn't sleep, due to it being so early and the fact that I had slept for two hours that day already, but I did rest. It was a relaxed and calm state and it made me feel much better, but thoughts of Serena getting on a plane the next morning and leaving, possibly forever, were constantly on my mind.

More than an hour after my panic attack I heard my phone signalling that I'd received a text, then another one a few minutes later. After less than 10 minutes I'd received a total of 5 texts and 2 phone calls, so I decided to drag myself from my den and check my phone.

 **Bernie, where are you? Hope to see you soon. Serena X**

 **Bernie? Seriously, has something happened? Where are you? Serena X**

 **1 Missed Call Serena**

 **I'm waiting for you Bernie. Let me know what's going on and what time you plan to get here for? Love you loads. Serena X**

 **Bernie! I need you to be here, please. I'm not leaving without saying goodbye to the one I love most. Please just call me X**

 **1 Missed Call Fletch**

 **Sorry to bother you Bernie but Serena's asked me to message you to see where you are. Call either me or her and let us know, yeah? Alright, see you soon. Fletch**

The easiest person to message back would have been Fletch, and I really wanted to take the easiest way out but in the end I had to do the right thing and message Serena.

 **I can't come. I'm sorry. Bernie X**

It was too short and too simple, but I sent it anyway, knowing I couldn't do much better if I tried. I'd never been good with words, especially to sound romantic, and given the current situation there wasn't much to say. Saying too much would feel as if I was being too loud and would feel like I was stopping Serena from leaving.

X

Less than half an hour later there was a harsh knock on my front door and, despite receiving no text back from her, I knew it would be Serena.

When I opened the door she had tear tracks down her cheeks and the red colour to her face gave away the fact she had walked all the way over.

I stepped aside to let her in, not wanting to have a conversation on the doorstep; she was worth more than that.

"What the hell?!" She shouted, which I had been expecting.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"I needed you there!" She was angry, but I couldn't force myself out of the house.

"Well I don't care about your stupid farewell party!" I shouted back, choosing to fight fire with fire regardless of all warnings that I would only get burned.

"Really? You know what, I don't believe you!" She could see in my eyes that I cared, she always had a way of reading me like that.

"Well it's true!" I fought, refusing to be the first to back down. "They're not going to stop you from leaving, are they? I being there won't stop you from leaving!"

"That's not the point of them though is it?!" Serena's tears were falling fast and making me weak and, for the second time that day I collapsed onto the sofa.

I began to cry too. For a few minutes I cried into my own hands whilst Serena cooled down, sat next to me trying to make me feel better. Once my tears had passed I sat up straight and looked into Serena's eyes. I saw how much pain she held inside and I knew she had to leave.

"I didn't want to do this…crying…in front of all our colleagues." I admitted.

We held each other and cried for longer until we were both dried out.

"Okay, I won't make you go, then. It's getting kind of late anyway, especially since I've got to be up at 2 o'clock tomorrow morning." Serena pulled back as she spoke.

"So this is…goodbye." I stuttered.

"I know everything's about to change, and it's scary, and it's going to feel horrible, but I am so glad I had you to love me when I wasn't very lovable." Serena paused, before taking a small drawstring bag from the pocket of her coat, which she still hadn't taken off. "I wanted to give you this at the pub, but I'll give it to you now."

I opened the bag and pulled out a ring. It was simple but beautiful, much like Serena, and was a silver band with a single amethyst at the top. Inside the band of the ring I saw the name 'Serena' engraved.

"It's a promise ring. A promise that I will always love you and that I will always be with you, even when I'm somewhere half way across the world." Serena whispered, as if she didn't dare disturb this precious moment by speaking too loudly.

"I love it." I replied, slipping it onto my ring finger on my left hand and finding it a perfect fit. "Thank you."

"And, I can feel you're about to say that you didn't get me anything but I'm stealing your work hoodie." Serena mentioned, smirking.

"Hopefully you make it back before it gets too cold or I'll freeze to death in winter." I chuckled, making light of the situation.

"I hope so." She repeated. "And I know I'll miss you so bloody much while I'm away, but we will meet again one day."

I pulled Serena into another hug and held tightly. I held her as if she would fade away when I let her go, and I knew she would, in a way. She'd have to get up and leave and go home so she could sleep for a few hours before she left Holby and left England.

Just before I let go she whispered that she didn't mind if I found someone else whilst she was away and I whispered back that I loved her, so I'd wait for her.

I walked Serena to the front door, even though it was only a couple of meters away from the sofa and tried to hold back my tears.

"Before you leave, promise me you'll be okay." I said as I opened the door and she stepped over the threshold.

"I will." She promised, the look in her eyes telling me that she would be.

I called a taxi for her, since she was clearly too tired to walk 45 minutes back to her own house, and we waited on the sofa in near silence together until the horn sounded outside the house.

We didn't say goodbye. I waved her off and she waved back but saying goodbye made it too real, so there was an unspoken promise that we wouldn't say anything.

Although I wish there had been something I could have said to make her turn back around, but there was nothing. I watched as she got into the cab and drove away. My heart broke in that moment, and I'm not afraid to admit that.


	3. Chapter 3

For the first month whilst I was away I couldn't speak to anyone, not even Bernie, and I turned my phone off for 3 weeks.

Since I was in a small town the air was clearer, it was quieter, and the atmosphere was generally just a lot calmer than the city, and I was glad for the holiday that I didn't know I needed until that point. Of course, this meant that the internet wasn't as fast as in Holby, but at the time it didn't matter, since after a week of living there I switched off everything.

The local people in Italy were welcoming and accommodating, and most helped me to learn the language well enough so that I would be able to get around and do everything I needed to. I rented a small cottage on a month-by-month basis so that I had relative freedom to leave and move on when I wanted to. I lived next to an elderly woman, who I thought resembled Bernie, until I realised I had been looking for her in everyone I met and realised that I was finding things that weren't there. She had 2 granddaughters, one of which looked a lot like Elinor. I wasn't searching for Elinor, but the teenage girl has the same hair and the same lust for life.

The local butcher was run by a man, Marco, who was slightly older than me with black, but greying, hair who sat with me and talked about the loss of his own son, who had been the victim of a drunk driver on the night of Christmas Eve more than 10 years previously. He was still emotional and angry at the death of his son, and I knew that I would never truly heal after the death of Elinor.

The local cafes, of which there were many to choose from, served hot coffee, but not quite as strong as I was used to in the NHS, although that was probably more a reflection on the quality of the NHS drinks than anything else. The tea was soothing, but rarely had enough milk in, although I didn't have much to complain about. In the evenings, after the Butcher's shop closed, Marco and I would order a cup of tea each in the café that was open late, talking about our lives and our past. He became a close friend during my time in Italy and was an excellent listener. He talked about his son, and his wife who had served in the Italian military, until she was fatally injured.

I could ask Marco about grief, about how it felt years later, and he admitted that it was always going to be painful, but the pain became more bearable over time. I just had to be patient, according to him. I had never been a particularly patient person, but instead of being patient by waiting I knew I could be patient whilst writing, meditating, shopping, and socialising with locals such as Marco.

Without a car I was limited as to how far I could travel, but I felt comfortable where I was and often walked along the river which ran through the town and into the woodland to the south, where I would find much more wildlife and less noise. I went there often to be alone with my thoughts and my grief, and often sat in the grass, with my eyes closed, focusing on the sound of the running water and the feeling of my own breathing. This served as a form of meditation, which was another thing I had never tried before, and after some practise I was able sit for a whole hour and clear my mind of all thoughts if I needed to.

I had never been a particularly creative person, except for in the kitchen, but I decided to start writing. I found a vintage leather notebook in a shop close to my cottage and bought some black ink pens to allow me to write down my thoughts, my feelings, and anything else that came to my head. I'd never kept a diary before, but a I wrote I found it more and more therapeutic, and writing it made me feel more free from my grief, but I knew it could never solve all my problems.

In Holby I had seen a therapist weekly, but with my constant travelling plans I wasn't ever in one place for long enough to even make it off a waiting list, let alone actually speak to anyone about my grief. I realised quickly that my healing process would have to happen, for the most part, alone. Once I felt better I could talk to Bernie, Henrik, and Ric, but that was to come later. The writing helped, acting as a form of therapy, so I kept going with it.

I had lost a lot of weight after Elinor's death and this continued throughout my time in Italy, due to my lack of an appetite and my love for walking through the nearby woodland and around the local shopping town. I tried to eat when I was hungry, but sometimes the thought of food would make me feel sick and I found that I could go almost an entire day without eating much.

When I wasn't thinking about Elinor I was thinking about Bernie. My feelings surrounding Bernie were often confusing; part of me felt that I'd abandoned her, and that she must be hurting so much, but another part of me felt that I was doing the right thing protecting her, and everyone else, from myself, and that I was doing the right thing for me by getting away, at least for a short while. I missed her like mad, of course, but I needed space and I needed time. I had to grieve and I had to do it alone. I knew Bernie understood, despite the last few conversations we had been clouded by emotions.

Once I was feeling stronger I would call her, I promised myself silently towards the end of my first month away, considering whether I would remain where I was for another month, or move on.


	4. Chapter 4

p class="MsoNormal"strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Bernie/span/strong/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Serena had left Holby a little over a month ago. A month, 2 days, and 13 hours to be exact, not that I was counting the days as I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. She hadn't called in that entire time and most of my sleepless nights were spent desperately trying to convince myself that she needed space and time, and that's why she left in the first place./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I had been to work as normal, after a couple of days off when Serena first left, but I felt that the staff were picking up on my low moods, especially Dom. Despite working on different wards Dom and I are close, so when we do see each other around the hospital and I'm more closed-off than usual I know he realises. No-one ever says anything about it, or even mentions Serena's name, but I know they all see how I feel./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"After Serena has been in France for 1 month, 4 days, and 2 hours she calls me. The conversation is short, and I really begin to understand what Jason said about Serena not being the same Serena as she was before Elinor died. We talk about work, about France, about Jason, and briefly about my children. She hangs up first and I get the feeling that I won't hear from her for a while longer./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Meanwhile, when I'm not at work or lying awake and staring at my ceiling, I'm with Jason. He insists on living at Alan's, because it is for the best, and I agree that it is the right choice because he needs structure and I cannot provide that. I don't eat quite as much as I used to, and when I do it is often at random points in the day, and I don't want to add to Jason's upset by making him live in a small flat with a borderline depressed, unstructured woman./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Cameron calls, on average, once a fortnight. The conversations are short and are just small talk, and sometimes I don't hear from him for more than 3 weeks at a time. Before my father died I called him weekly, unless there was no signal in whichever desert I happened to be in at the time, but Cameron rarely calls. As for Charlotte, I haven't heard from her since I got a text on Valentine's day 'strongHappy Valentine's Day Mum x/strong'. I replied asking if she'd like to visit at some point, but I never received a reply. Cameron says Charlotte will come around in her own time, but I've been back for over a year now./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You need a day off, or better yet a holiday." Fletch suggests over coffee and cake in my office one evening./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You saying I look tired?" I jokingly ask, but my voice is tired and heavy./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""Well, I'm just saying you've barely had any proper time off recently." Fletch assures, sat in the seat where Serena should be./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I take a day off a couple of weeks later, just before Ric goes on a week-long holiday to Italy with his girlfriend. If I take any longer I'll spend too long thinking of Serena and it will be too hard to return to work once I am used to being sat in bed all day and all night. If I take a holiday it will be too tempting to book a flight to France and see Serena, and she doesn't need me./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's exactly a week after the first phone call that Serena calls again, but I don't notice because I am in theatre and by the time I call her back she doesn't answer; probably asleep. I don't call her back in case she needs space, instead I just make sure I never lose sight of my phone, and make sure it's always on the loudest volume, and wait for her to call. She doesn't./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I go back to work the following day and, for the first time, I am solely in charge of AAU and the trauma unit. Of course my team are always by my side, but I am the only leader. This at least gives me something to do and something to think about that isn't Serena, but when I leave work at 11pm I check my phone and realise she hasn't rung back./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's late at night when I am by myself with a bottle of beer and a microwaved meal for one that I feel the loneliest. It's when I have a lot of stuff I want to say to someone, until I realise there is no-one there to tell anything to./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"The next phone call comes when she has been away for 2 months, almost, and it's mostly just an apology for not calling sooner./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I hope you guys are enjoying this and I hope that you like the style of writing that I've chosen, almost like a diary inside the minds of our 2 favourite surgeons. Please leave a review./span/strong/p 


	5. Chapter 5

**Serena - Month 2**

By the time I had been in Italy for 2 months I had called Bernie 3 times, although all of the phone calls had been short and not much was said. I had called Jason only once, and he complained that if I was going to call it had to be regularly so it could be added to his schedule. The thing is, I can't promise to call every week, or even every two weeks, so I apologised to him and told him I would stick to emails until I was ready.

No-one else from Holby has tried to contact me, and I can't say I blame them; they're probably too scared after the way I acted towards them all since Elinor died. And, to be fair, I came here to be alone and to escape from Holby, the city and the hospital, so it's probably better that I'm left alone whilst I'm away. I'll reach out when I'm ready.

This month I'm moving on. I still haven't completely decided where yet. Maybe I'll go to France, or Spain, or possibly even a different part of Italy. I still want to stay away from bustling cities and tourist areas, because small towns and villages are less over-whelming, and I'm not on holiday. I'm grieving.

I spend most of my time inside and on my own, the way I've grown to enjoy over the past 2 months or so. At home I was always talking to people, calling to catch up with old friends, and going to Albie's with my colleagues – well, they were more than that, they still are, they are my best friends.

As for Marco he comes round sometimes, but even he has realised when I want company and when I want to be alone. Recently all I want is to be alone. I'm glad he's here to talk to when I need to, but I'm also glad that he's willing to keep his distance from me. Since I'm planning on moving on soon I hope I'm strong enough to have a few more coffees and at least one more dinner with him, because chances are that I won't see him again, at least for a long time.

Part of me feels like Elinor died yesterday and another part of me feels as though she's been gone forever. I've forgotten her favourite band, although logic tells me that it's probably changed since she last told me about…probably 1 or 2 years ago now. I never thought I'd feel this distant from her but she's 6 feet underground in England and I'm in the middle of nowhere in Italy.

Also, it's my birthday net week…I'm pretty sure it is, anyway, I'll have to check todays date. Since Elinor moved out she's been at university for all my recent birthdays, but it still feels like she'll be missing from the occasion. She always sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday x', but sometimes it would be a couple of days early or late. I'll probably get a message from Bernie that day, on the correct date, or maybe we'll talk over the phone properly. I guess we'll just have to see.

For now I'm using the weak internet signal to plan the next step of this journey.

 **So this is short but sweet. I'm sorry it took so long but I had massive writers block for this chapter (which is also why it's so short) but please let me know if there's anything you want to see in this story. Also I'm going to be uploading a Berena one-shot to AO3 in the next week or so.**


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